Why are you being so safe with your compliments for me?

Because I'm afraid

There's no need for confessions and announcements
No need for congregations and segregation

Of all I want and all I yearn,
I'll walk away,
If I have to be
number two.

Vicious

Iran, 27th December 1978 as the demonstrators faces off against the army in the Anti-Shah protests.

Full report on Al-Jazeera.

Iran, 27th December 2009 in the mass protests against the Mahmoud Ahmadinejad-run government.

I feel like being unreachable to the general mass till further notice - that includes you

I lie there in your arms, kissing you, staring you in the eyes as our lips munch on each other. I want nothing more than you staring into my eyes when I kiss your existence out of you.

And as I lie there, you in my arms, holding your head close into me, it struck me. Thinking what it would be if something were to happen to you and I couldn't hold you like this anymore, scared the hell outta me and my heart beats faster as I hold you tighter, as if that would change the forces beyond me, and THAT scared even the bejeezus out of me, realizing that I may be in too deep.

Should I pull back babe?

How can I, as you cheer me up after a horrendous day at work.

How could I, if every time you see me you land somewhere close to me.

How would I, if every time I sulk you talk me into smiling again.

How could I, if every time your friends bully me you defend me.

How should I, if my body's in pain you're the one to give me a back rub.

How can I, when these days you're not like before.

Listening to me, loving my company, my kisses and my body, not hiding me.

I know I have a history of being noncommittal and have this minor fear of settling down (with the wrong person). I run when thing get rough or too close for comfort. Words people throw me came back to mind. "You're the sort to cower rather than query when in doubt, especially when you can feel your heart will be involved deeper than you meant to. When people provoke, you feel attacked, and you will stop interacting so that people won't have anything to use against you. But this is when they want you to fight for them."

"You have a problem with commitment."

Do I? Really? But then again, so do you.

It used to be, all about the sex, and the music, and the escapism we share.

Now it's the witness to my life, the conversations about life, politics, news, books, movies, ideal lifestyles and ideologies. About us, our past, present and future. About truth and lies, and the grey area in between.

About you and me, doing it on the balcony with a vibrating condom.

Babe, should I be pulling back from the chemistry that makes us lovers?

Perempuan kau hot.

Vain in Vein

You I punya.

Ok. Sampai bila?

Sampai I bosan.

What if you share me with xxx?

I'm okay, if you're okay sharing me with someone else?

Alaaa, you perempuan, mana boleh?

Why not?! You tamak boleh?

...................

I pun nak tamak, I want you all to myself.

Ok.

You I punya?

I you punya.

Tony Takitani

Why are we going back to our hedonistic ways?

It's not human to not be jealous. I'm not jealous.

I miss home today. Today I'll be at MY home. Watching Tony Takitani and enjoy my bed.

We're behaving like a couple in love. When we're just two sinners meeting each others' match, and melting in each others' warmth.

Next time I pick you up, we'll lie down on the roof of my car and gaze at the stars.

You're louder in bed these days. More frantic, more physical and the way you just fucking moan out my name, over and over again, drives me insane.

Don't stop.

Do you think we'll ever get bored with each other?

Akannnn.

I'm not feeling that yet.

=)

You, I think the tequila made me horny.

You're always horny.

I like it how you're always pulling me into you. The things you say, things I wouldn't normally believe about myself.

How you kiss me a few moments longer than I thought you would.




You think he'll be angry if he sees what we're doing?

Voices in the Dark

I nak you.

Kan you tengah dapat I sekarang ni?

I want you to stay.



I like this.

What?

You, mine at this moment.

There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it.

I've always imagined a story of us. We'd be pretty much the way we are right now. Masses of sin, moving in sync with the rhythms of the rain beating up the soils of night. Neglects the world, abandons reality, waiting for the time to incur the wrath of adulthood and responsibilities.

In this story we'd be pulled by a gravity stronger than the chemistry that binds our time in each other. I will drift away, and you will let me.

It will be a year or so till we care to hear each others' voices again. To breathe in each others' necks again. To leave soft lingering kisses in each others' skins again. To pull and tug each others' beings into existence again. To lie in a standstill breathing in the scant scent of sex in the dewy morning breeze again.

You'd be with another person. I'd be a careful hunter. One day you'd be lying in a haze, lining the surfaces that make her a woman, and nothing else crosses your mind but me.

The laughs that was annoying became endearing. The lazy eyes you once thought was empty now came with a glint you'd wish you can capture, like a battery-operated soul was injected into it. The gasps and pants that you find hard to resist. The lips you wish you could dismember for you to keep.

You'd have grown wiser by then. The discerning bone in your body had grown. The man in you wanted to abandon the boy that was. Nevertheless, bringing along the youthful soul that longed for the girl you once alternately trod and cared for deeply from yesteryear.

Trace us back, take us back

Does your hand still remembers mine? You'd ask.

We barely hold hands, beyond the dizzying nights in your bed.

Maybe that's what was missing.

And proceeded to pull my battered, tattered hands, curled it up in a soft fist, inhaled the scent of time and tire, and you kissed it, not with malice nor with chagrin, not with lust nor with desire. But just with warmth, longing for the same soft skin that once stroked your hair, soothed your face till you sleep.

And you hold it longer than you would have had. This time the fear of letting go as imminent as the fear of falling.

But of course, my imagination reeks of euphemisms. With life taking its due course, and books being better only when it leaves a long trail of lost hopes, failed dreams and numbing pain behind, I'm left to pick up the pieces of my eyes. Gradually forgotten, with traces lost forever, nowhere to be found.

People have lost track of me before.

Red Ruby
5/12/09
Sober

Happy birthday.

May you get what your heart desires.

Visit the Voice

AKU

Kalau sampai waktuku
'Ku mau tak seorang kan merayu
Tidak juga kau

Tak perlu sedu sedan itu

Aku ini binatang jalang
Dari kumpulannya terbuang

Biar peluru menembus kulitku
Aku tetap meradang menerjang

Luka dan bisa kubawa berlari
Berlari
Hingga hilang pedih peri

Dan aku akan lebih tidak perduli

Aku mau hidup seribu tahun lagi

Maret 1943

Chairil Anwar (1922-1949)

Va-va-Voom!

You got me confused.

I'm convinced of one thing, and another happened?

But then, there's still that nagging suspicion.

What is it do you want?

Vile Vermouth

We're too similar.

Our mother issues.

Our self-mental-illness-diagnosing traits. (By the way, I'm pretty convinced I'm a manic depressive and Bipolar)

Our sordid saviour in the form of self-torture.

Our freedom in escapism.

Our sense of Lost and wanting to be Found.

Our collections from walkabouts.

Our interest, but your talent is God-sent as opposed to mine.

But hey, he wants you. He wants you he wants you he wants you.

I'm left to be the undocumented girl in their life.

Again

and again.

And again.

So who's got it worst babe?

photo ©2009 chris rain

3:51pm
1/12/09

Vanadis' Avarice

Hati aku lemah. Jika ditimpa bertubi-tubi aku akan mengalami situasi yang most commonly would be called, panic attack.

Heart's racing
Gasping for air
Lips tremble
Throat's Mojave-dry
Hands shake
Head feels faint
Legs fail me
I wonder where all my blood went cos it's obviously not carrying oxygen anywhere it's supposed to

The fear that I can't get out of this overwhelmes me and maybe this is the first signs of how later when Death comes claiming, your body fails you as synapses fail to comprehend and comply.



There's a road that I couldn't cross on my own ever again.

There's a hand I couldn't touch ever again.

There's a cake I can't taste ever again.

There's a voice I couldn't hear ever again.

There's a person who's eyes I don't recognize anymore.

There's a childhood innocence that remains lost and dead the day I took that responsibility as an adult.

There are friends I can never regain for sins of yesteryear.

There's a word I can never say again.

Tiang-tiang seri hidupku roboh runtuh ranap satu persatu ditelan masa dan zaman.

Pohon getah melalang setiap genap pandanganku, berlatarkan balam-balam duri bumi yang menjarakkan darah dan daging, aku pulang ke dunia di mana ini bukan masalah aku, itu bukan perbualan aku, itu kancah senyumku..

Dan aku sedar dunia itu tidak wujud lagi. Dalam gelap jalan sunyi berpagarkan lalang tegap, aku yang sudah lama tidak menitikkan air mata untuk penghuni-penghuni dunia itu, kalut mencari cara agar esakanku tidak mengganggu tidur adik-adikku.

While you pettily look for the vague and unfair line that divides what you want and what I want, I'm struggling to find an equilibrium to set my feet upon.

I need you to hold me when I die inside, as I mourn the lost of life as I know it.

I need you to listen, and tell me everything will be just fine.

photo ©2008 ann lt

Verily Verisimilar

I noticed maturity, in the way I'm not as overwhelmed by emotions as I would back then.

Swayed maybe, but not drowned.

It used to sting when you snap at me, now there's like a shaggy cushion softening the blows. I don't know if I'm taking it less personal or my heart's already a little dead.

Jealousy doesn't drive me to do stupid things anymore. Even if it nagges me to the point I wish that device is lay crushed from the fall.

Fighting temptation's not that conflicting anymore, even if it leaves me in a few seconds of daze.

In fact, I do admire my catatonic self for being able to put on a stoic mask and fight every single instinct of pulling you into a long, embarassing, substance-driven kiss and saying all the feelings that can't make up words that would lead anywhere.

Even harder so when you throw signs of menial efforts in the form of face-brushing, back-massage, strand-tugs, light kiss on the cheek and slipping in words of concern as you take your space back.

But it's hardest to look away from your eyes, crossing all thoughts of leaving behind a goodnight kiss, and not turn around to see if you're still by the door, AFTER you say the almost meaningless yet courteous "Drive carefully".

Cos with me, you were not always courteous with words.

photo ©2009 pamela h. viola

Vox

Get up and say goodbye

Leave

Leave now

But it hurts.

How can I trust you again? The one that broke me

Say goodbye
Drag the sky
Flip the sigh
In lieu of your high

9:36pm
8/11/09

photo ©2009 nicholas miller

Vindicated

photo ©2009 ronald leong

Anything beyond yesterday
I leave behind
For my tomorrows can't start without me

You are my yesterday
Waiting by the horizon

Tracing my steps, taking me back
Does your hand remember mine?

Why is it we lie in a standstill even when we know it's over?

Maybe time will cease to tick and this moment will linger longer

My crooked yesterday
Stop staring at me, stop pulling me back

I thought you didn't want me anymore?

My crooked yesterday
Let's have a toast in the name of memories
Lingering at the bitter vermouth
Dripping dry off the flute~

9:18pm
8/11/09

Vintage

ya, aku dapati senyummu
datang dan berkelebat
seperti langit yang kadang
benderang atau pekat
tapi di pipimu yang siang
kulabuhkan bibirku yang dahaga

aku tak bisa lepas darimu
aku merapat,
makin mengetat

di siang bermatahari
aku mau mengajakmu mandi
di sungai
atau di pantai

Refinery Flock by Massimo Cristaldi

kau - kekasih - yang mengusik asyik.
aku mau kau selalu
merapal kata-kata
sampai aku terlena

aku ingin kau bacakan puisi
agar aku lelap dalam jagamu,
bisikmu

-I.S. ZS-

Vermillion

Friday the 13th.

No wonder nothing went right today.

And because of that, my doped up weekend of being curled up somewhere in a corner, threadless, and a Kafka protege in my hands just blew out the window.

Hard-boiled indeed.


Of course, the doors opening meant the linking of two spaces previously denied accessible continuity by means of those very doors.

photo ©2009 joey espina

Vivid View

Words can never make up for what you do
Easy conversations, there's no such thing

Dance dance dance

Hmmm, what is there in Kuala Selangor? Who shall I go with? Should I get substantial?

Vis-a-vis

It's 9:39pm and I'm hungry. Deruman trafik kotaraya mulai merudum. Pergi mampus dengan A&P plan, WIP, and paperwork.

Cukuplah dengan ruang tanpa sosial aku hari ni. Time to text a friend and grab some food. One more rebellious cigarette for my havoc of a cubicle and time to switch off the lights of this floor.

Hope I'm not killed off in the lonely parking space downstairs tonight.

photo ©2008 remy bourganel

Vocative Vagabond

Offensive A&P, branding, positioning, audience targeting, social media marketing, market segmentation, increasing online presence, brand recall, ad space, effie awards, brand association, blah blah blah.

Yeah that's what we do here. That's why this department is full of girls. Attention-seeking sluts.

Surat-surat yang masuk menagih duit - melata yang drop names like bombs, mengharapkan yang since the wife of TPM is your patron, we'd be obliged to shed you some dough.

Menggaru kepala on how to address a Datuk and how to address a Dato'.

Berapa kau habis beli nama kau?

photo ©2009 gigi tindle

Maybe that's why this tiny escape hatch here thrives on anonymity.

What does association of my writing and who I am has got to do with anything?

What does association of my images and how I look like has got to do with anything?

We all wish to leave a mark on the world. The only way to leave a mark, is cause enough ruckus as you live, and cause more ruckus when you die.
-Jack Kerouac-

Would you have put more thought on it if it were signed off, "-White collared worker in a cubicle- "?

Vicars & Cigars

Siapa yang tak pernah at one point in their life, attempted suicide?

Okay, maybe at least contemplate it.

It takes more guts to die than to live, knowing what we know.

Mungkin sebab itu pisau itu tersasar
Mungkin sebab itu aku jatuh tak sedarkan diri
Mungkin sebab itu aku menggapai nafas di atas jubin yang sejuk
Mungkin sebab itu Tuhan tinggalkan 2 parut putih yang menunggu ditelan abad
Mungkin sebab itu, insiden 6 tahun lepas bagaikan filem hitam putih yang diulang tayang
Mungkin sebab itu, masalah kecil seperti kau, kau dan kau, aku pandang sebelah mata dan move on.

Kau rasa kau bijak dan berbakat.

I think it's true when they say, youth is wasted on the young.

photo by Jean Marc Caimi

Void Voices

What makes a man is not your words. Nor your kisses. Nor your worldly assets. Nor your promises.

What makes a good man great, is where he choose to stand in the transition of times.


Photo by Megan Baker 2009

View Vice

On the way to work last week I saw a Black Maria. On normal days I take a moment to be grateful.

But on that day, my puny little car feels as suffocating as a Black Maria transporting criminals to their next pen.

Why do we still do the things we're going to be punished for?

Stale Vichyssoise

You know what I miss?

Slow swinging days, lying back in a haze unsure of the time of day or if that cup of coffee is stale.

An oral fixation on a jetty, feeling like the sky is beneath you.

Tapping rainy days, lying under the window sill with the curtains blown all the way to hit the ceiling fan, deeply engrossed in the lyrical depictions of existence.

Sitting on a swing, having burger and staring into the bleakest of seas.

Huddled in a circle, snickering hysterically with friends over nonchalant remarks you can't take back.

Screaming out of tune in the car at 140km/h over silly break-up rock ballads.

Enjoying sushi on a stage, beamed with a glaring spotlight, looking over a church.

Slighting secret glances over your friends' shoulders as you strum that guitar and throw a sly smile at me when nobody's looking.

Moments are perfect because they are fleeting. All that's left is memories, and we do have a knack of repainting memories in a tint that the setting sun by the beach alone couldn't bring forth.

Vile Vixen

It's been more than a year. I've changed for the better during those times. But the past has its way of catching up with you. I now have the same habits that I have kicked a year ago. I put things in jeopardy again, just to taste simple pleasures of life and to delve in that for old times' sake.

Is it worth it? Is the pain worth the pleasure? Am I asking to be forsaken all over again?

I know what I want, you're not what I want.

But, I do crave for you.

"If you're losing your soul and you know it, you've still got a soul left to lose." - Bukowski