Wednesday, June 20, 2012

I have tried to change, for the better obviously fails.

But I did change, for the worse I guess.

I'll only talk to God from now on. Everyone else will tire of me, will give up on me.

But it's tragically funny to think that the Great Almighty will forgive me & not leave me when my own mother dislikes me and would rather have me out of her house.


Monday, October 25, 2010

I may regret this the next day, but at least he's worth a confession cemented in time

I am absolutely in love. Absolutely fearful, completely smitten, unbelievably putting all faith in being outrageously adoringly devoting and desiring one boy. One man. The fear cripples me sometimes, but only because I'm more in love with him every time I see him. If I could I would tell the world. I hate myself to the point of breaking down in pieces when I let him down, whenever I hurt him, or disappoint the one person who can't ever be disappointed. The boy who's proud of me, who thinks I'm beautiful, cute and smart. Who believes in me. Who holds my hand just at the moment I desperately needed it, so that my heart and my brain stop overworking and ruining every thing we have. Who kisses me like he can't have enough, like he did that night.

But we're not Gods, we're humans. The world is not a fairytale, the world is not perfect. We do hurt each other, we do disappoint each other. But it's how, at the end of the day, we are sorry to have done so, and we realize that it's because we care too much that we are inflicted by every little words and gestures.

I've a little history that makes fear imminent and leans wildly into paranoia and occasional panic attacks. And I don't wanna jinx it. But I need to say it cos it's in my mind and I can't bother him from sleep just to let him know that and saying it to him might jinx it. it's the jinxing it part.

So God, help me. I'm still afraid. Deathly. But I promised him I'll be strong. We're all flawed. He's not perfect, not even close. But he takes care of me in any way he can. He improves. He talks to me. We have fun with each other and we make fun of each other. He's just happy to see me happy, to see me well, to see me smile, to see me eat heartily. He goes through to such trouble for me. More than anybody ever has. Ever could. Please don't take him away from me. Make me stronger. Don't let us screw this up.

Masya Allah.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Missing my haze

Is it sickening to miss the person I was?

The masochistic self-destructive seemingly borderline personality disordered?

I wrote killers at the time, if it weren't so I wouldn't have the select but intellectual following.

However darling, it seems like you're still in a limbo. Nothing will ever be enough. And before that is taught to people, believe it yourself first, and never ask for that much. Nothing will ever be enough.

It's been too long sober.

I fucking need to be in a haze. I miss my haze, my music, my books that I have to re-read as I interpreted it wildly when I was in a haze. I miss how unfathomably attractive when I'm deep in that haze.

I'd like to put my foot on people's faces when they ring into my life and say shut the fuck up, get the hell out. I just need my books, my coffee, my haze & remember how Murakami my life had been.

And I'd like to laugh to you, cause unfortunately for us, we're too much alike. If I'm failing, you are too. I know you too well, I know you're longing. It trips me up that you will never be happy, but it's a stupid person's place, to be happy.

The intellects are too busy with being to laden with the world's sadness to be happy.

I miss my haze.

I'll show you where I came from, I showed you where I came from. Reinstate that, I am most people's biggest mistake.

Yes, I am. I'm this terrible daughter. This terrible friend. This terrible sister. This terrible colleague, this terrible staff. I'm this terrible lover, this terrible girlfriend.

It's been a long time. I've been down. I've been up.

But most of it, I've been happy. This dump is usually neglected when I'm happy.

I've gone so far, but there are days that I'm reminded how I fail as a person. I add value to nobody's life.

Everything I wanted to do, planned to do, promised to be, fails. There are days that were brimming with hope, brimming with possibility of greatness that I forget that all throughout from when I was 14 till now, certain days I can't bring myself to get up and face the world. Forget that certain days I lie on the floor for hours, crying, feeling what's the point? What's the point? What's the point?

It's harder to fight and believe in yourself when the person who once said he's proud of you can't hide how disappointment in you. You can't even make the one person who would do anything for you happy. And not just one person. Your father. Your mother. The boy who loved you for the last 7 years. The man who asked if it's okay to ask you to marry him. And the one boy that loves you for you, despite of you.

Dreams dissipate. I didn't want to go back. To that apathetic person who lost her equilibrium on the world. Who couldn't discern thought from words, reality from dreams, phases from permanence. To that apathetic person who couldn't, for the life of her, remember what it was that made her happy. To that apathetic person who couldn't, for her sanity, find what it was to look forward to in life. To that apathetic person who can see the fear in people's eyes.

"Don't make me think too much" he says. And like a trigger to wake you up from a hypnotic lull I was snapped into connecting the missing dots. Remembrance of the past, where I always feel like a mistake. A dirty nasty secret for a reason now you see. You are a mistake. You are always their mistakes. You are always the regret they hide in their past.

I don't deserve you. But I'm terrified of one day, the day you realize that I'm not worth the trouble. That it's okay to walk this realm without me by your side. That it's okay to go on without my voice & my smile.

I sat there quiet consumed by fear, trying my best not to break, not to falter in your eyes. I can't be this weak. There's too many things I have not done in life.

But I wish you would know, how much harder it is to fall asleep, to get up and to have hope when I can feel that you are losing faith in me.

That you are beginning to think what the others have decided on in the past. What I strive to prove wrong.

That I'm not worth the trouble. That I'm the mistake. The regret.

I don't want to go back to that person. Who says, what's the point in trying anyway? It ends like everything else.



The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.

Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing. - Anais Nin


Today, he fulfilled his first ever promise to me. Almost 2 years after it was made.

"What is happiness but the simple harmonies between Man and the live he leads?"

It was only 2 years. Not long enough to be anything one can't live without. But you feel like a treasured, charmed old classic, Love. It's like I knew you since forever. It's like it will only know to find you, to reach for you.

Dust dust.

Not now.

One day. Delusional much? Let me live on hope sugar.



That was the only piece of paper I have of us. Of my existence acknowledged by you in writing. Of my name written by your hands. All these while I am just, Perempuan.



Friday, April 16, 2010

Be, just be


You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.
Bob Marley

I am not in love with you

I don't know what to do.

Today I miss your eyes. You have the most beautiful big eyes. I miss kissing your eyelids.

And I hate myself this weak.

I love you.

There are times I find your flaws endearing.

Come back.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Faltering

Yeah, it'd be nice if you could come with.

I get the hint you.

I'm just in a serious case of denial.

Monday, March 22, 2010

It's really unhealthy the amount of time I spent thinking of you

You, I need you to protect me from these men.

These men, who only want one thing from me.

These men, who I thought are my friends.

These men, who I thought are okay because they are your friends.

Do they do this to me because they are terrible friends to you?

But they're your favorite persons; so, is it because they know I don't mean that much to you?

Loquat

I was being selfish. Sorry. And really, you've been a very good friend all this while, I appreciate it, and I feel like I've known you a long time. I guess that's why I mostly believe you. And mostly trust you. Thanks and sorry again.

Vermouth & Viola

The bitter lining the strings.

Yesterday and tomorrow are nothing but what makes today matters.

Don't justify. I'm way past that.

Twitterific of Me

Too late to die young

Too late to die young
you throw a coin, into the sea, and shout out “please come back to me”

  © Blogger template Brooklyn by Ourblogtemplates.com 2008

Back to TOP