I may regret this the next day, but at least he's worth a confession cemented in time

I am absolutely in love. Absolutely fearful, completely smitten, unbelievably putting all faith in being outrageously adoringly devoting and desiring one boy. One man. The fear cripples me sometimes, but only because I'm more in love with him every time I see him. If I could I would tell the world. I hate myself to the point of breaking down in pieces when I let him down, whenever I hurt him, or disappoint the one person who can't ever be disappointed. The boy who's proud of me, who thinks I'm beautiful, cute and smart. Who believes in me. Who holds my hand just at the moment I desperately needed it, so that my heart and my brain stop overworking and ruining every thing we have. Who kisses me like he can't have enough, like he did that night.

But we're not Gods, we're humans. The world is not a fairytale, the world is not perfect. We do hurt each other, we do disappoint each other. But it's how, at the end of the day, we are sorry to have done so, and we realize that it's because we care too much that we are inflicted by every little words and gestures.

I've a little history that makes fear imminent and leans wildly into paranoia and occasional panic attacks. And I don't wanna jinx it. But I need to say it cos it's in my mind and I can't bother him from sleep just to let him know that and saying it to him might jinx it. it's the jinxing it part.

So God, help me. I'm still afraid. Deathly. But I promised him I'll be strong. We're all flawed. He's not perfect, not even close. But he takes care of me in any way he can. He improves. He talks to me. We have fun with each other and we make fun of each other. He's just happy to see me happy, to see me well, to see me smile, to see me eat heartily. He goes through to such trouble for me. More than anybody ever has. Ever could. Please don't take him away from me. Make me stronger. Don't let us screw this up.

Masya Allah.