I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing. - Anais Nin

Today, he fulfilled his first ever promise to me. Almost 2 years after it was made.

"What is happiness but the simple harmonies between Man and the live he leads?"

It was only 2 years. Not long enough to be anything one can't live without. But you feel like a treasured, charmed old classic, Love. It's like I knew you since forever. It's like it will only know to find you, to reach for you.

Dust dust.

Not now.

One day. Delusional much? Let me live on hope sugar.

That was the only piece of paper I have of us. Of my existence acknowledged by you in writing. Of my name written by your hands. All these while I am just, Perempuan.

Be, just be

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

—	Bob Marley

I am not in love with you

I don't know what to do.

Today I miss your eyes. You have the most beautiful big eyes. I miss kissing your eyelids.

And I hate myself this weak.

I love you.

There are times I find your flaws endearing.

Come back.

Faltering

Yeah, it'd be nice if you could come with.

I get the hint you.

I'm just in a serious case of denial.

It's really unhealthy the amount of time I spent thinking of you

You, I need you to protect me from these men.

These men, who only want one thing from me.

These men, who I thought are my friends.

These men, who I thought are okay because they are your friends.

Do they do this to me because they are terrible friends to you?

But they're your favorite persons; so, is it because they know I don't mean that much to you?

Loquat

I was being selfish. Sorry. And really, you've been a very good friend all this while, I appreciate it, and I feel like I've known you a long time. I guess that's why I mostly believe you. And mostly trust you. Thanks and sorry again.

Utter disappointment

Kings of Convenience was at Cloth & Clef yesterday.

I arrived too late.

Screw family time.


I told his friend to tell him that KoC was at C&C. He went to gamble for the ticket. And didn't even get it for me. As a friend, I'm very disappointed in him.

He knows. He remembers better than me. Yet he thoughtlessly did so. Should I or shouldn't I believe that he has little regard for me?

And to not feel guilty?

Like I said, I deal with my turmoil alone. Lately, I couldn't eat. I couldn't function well if my eyes are red and swelling from tears most of the time. I couldn't think. I couldn't care about anything else and I'm ashamed of it.

I thought you would be happy if I am happy too?

Why are you(or the lack of you that I love) becoming the source of my unhappiness these days?

Wandering wonders

I wonder if you know what it feels like not being able to think about anything else but a person.

I wonder if you know it's harder to function when you wonder alone; whilst the other remains oblivious.

I wonder if you know how much it hurts to mean nothing to you.

I wonder if you'll miss me when I don't come over anymore.

I wonder if you know even the surface of the turmoil inside me when I keep it all inside fearing that I would scare you off.

I wonder if you know that I realized it doesn't matter anyway what I do, I'm still losing you despite all my fears.

I wonder if you know every time I was there or anywhere around wasting time waiting for you to show up, was only to be visible to you.

Was only so that I can tell you to your face.

I miss you, the person.

You're the MH-18a for my EN-EL3e

Pick me up again
I love how strong you are
Pick me up off the floor
and let me wrap my legs around your waist

Suspended in the air
Like we're never letting go,
sets some ease in my chest

even if it is for a moment,
even if it's a relapse,
even if it's lust,
at least you miss me

Pin me against the wall
Take the life out of me

Love,
Lie with me
Hold me tight
Take your time, kissing me

It does make me happy

Love, Seeing you smile, would make things fine

“You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages.”

—

Neil Gaiman, The Sandman